I was thinking today about how I’m not good at making friends. I don’t know, I just have never been one to reach out to people first and I’ve always thought having a good group of 2-3 friends that you can rely on will always be better than having 15 friends who are never there for you. I think that’s why I’m most afraid of actually going away to a college as opposed to sticking around here at community college, in at least half of my classes I recognize people from Marquette so we already have something in common. At a state school I’ll have to mix with people from all over the place. That’s where I really struggle is finding things in common with people. I feel like I’m different from a lot of people around here and no, I don’t mean that I’m in any way, shape, or form more special/better than you. I just mean I feel like I have a different outlook than a lot of people do. A lot of people around here, and I’m saying a lot I’m not saying all, are very materialistic. Having the newest clothes and accessories is so important to so many people in this area and it just has never been that big of a concern for me. I’m not trying to bash anyone, I just feel like there are more important things in life than whether you’re driving the newest BMW or wearing leggings that have the Lulu-lemon logo on the back. I also just feel like I’ve always been very mature for my age which I guess is a good thing but it also makes it very hard to relate to other teenagers. I feel like that meme of Steve Buscemi holding the skateboard (I’ll insert it at the bottom) every time I try to talk to someone at school. All in all, I just feel a little alone right now, like I don’t really have anyone that I can talk to that will get where I’m coming from. Sometimes that’s not a bad thing either, being alone isn’t necessarily terrible at all times, and I feel like being alone helps you learn things about yourself. But I do wish I had more people I could talk to and I could more easily relate to the people around me. I was texting with my brother who lives in Hawaii and he said that I sound bored and that I need a hobby. He’s probably right. He usually is.
p.s. As promised, the aforementioned meme:
So I’ve decided to start blogging again, I don’t know if I want to turn this into a themed blog or something like that but I think I just need somewhere to put down my thoughts. Whether I realized it or not, I do think it helped a lot last year, so shout out to Mr. Durham for making me realize I shouldn’t try to suppress all of my complex emotions deep inside myself. So updates to come, I guess?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Another pet peeve of mine is people who think they can just not communicate with you for several months and then all sudden hit you up with some random text. Like not even a “how ya doing?’ text or a “its been a while, what’s going on in your life?” Those are a little annoying but I would accept them because at least you sound like you’re genuinely interested. I mean the people that literally don’t talk to you at all for a good 4-6 months and then out of the blue send you a text that’s like “Aye check out the new Kendrick album, it’s so good.” And that text is exactly how this story begins. At this point I’m just hella confused, do you wanna have a conversation with me? Do you want to know how I’m doing? Or did you really just text me after all this time to tell me to listen to album that I will 110% be listening to whether you tell me I should or not? So I respond and you respond and then I respond and then you respond and then I respond and then you respond. At this point I’m gonna assume now we’ve reached the point where we usually stop texting…but you keep responding. You start to text back pretty fast and your comments get a little questionable, maybe even a little flirty, as my friends confirmed with me. It’s now Saturday night and we get food together and catch up, we talk for almost 2 hours, then we head our separate ways. I don’t text you. I feel good about what I said, about myself, your life seems like it’s going okay but it seems like a lot of the stuff you hoped would be happening for yourself just isn’t, you seem kind of lost, like you’re just wandering through life hoping to catch the wind of something that will take you where you want to go, wherever that is. It’s about 11:30 pm when I get a text from you, “Nice talking to you for a little.” And I respond cause I feel like it would be rude not to, and at this point I’m almost 100% sure you won’t respond again. But you do and we keep a conversation going and at this point we’re both kind of flirting, to be honest. I go to sleep with an unopened text message from you on my phone screen. Now it’s Sunday, Easter Sunday. And we’re still talking. This is the longest we’ve kept a conversation going since we parted ways over a year ago. We go back and fourth until about dinner time, and then you stop responding and I realize at this point you’ve gone back to college, and you don’t need me to fill your empty down time while you’re home. But I’m left to sit and think, did you really just want to tell me about some new music to check out or was your text motivated by something else? Of course, I’m overthinking just like I always do. Did you miss me, or at least miss talking to me? Did you wanna see how I’m doing or what’s going on in my life? Were you hoping that I’d suggest we get together so you could see me? I guess I’ll never know. But convincing myself that you don’t care and you were simply just telling me to check out new music helps me fall asleep faster at night.
I think we’ve all dealt with people like this, annoying people. Everyone has their own pet peeves when it comes to the people we spend time with, or even the people we don’t spend time with. For example, one of my biggest pet peeves is someone being late when I’m coming to pick them up. If I tell you I’m coming to pick you up and I’ll be there in 15-20 minutes, I will be there in 15-20 minutes. That means you’ve got 15 minutes to get your shit together and be able to run out when I text you “here.” I honestly think it’s just super rude to leave someone, who offered to give YOU and ride, and is wasting their gas money driving YOU around, waiting. Like, if I’m saying I’m gonna be there at a certain time that’s me giving you my word that I will be there at a certain time. If I say 8:30, I mean 8:30, and you best be damn sure that I will roll up at 8:28 just to make sure I’m not late for you, so it would be nice if you could give me the same respect. Honestly though, can I really complain about people being late when I literally turn in about 9/10 assignments late (sorry Durham.)
The people at work make me so angry sometimes. We have these busers and today they just left when we still had like an hour left in the shift, they left literally over half of the dining room full of dishes. So of course I had to end up doing the work that they would have done if they had actually stayed. We got out 30 minutes late because of it. Also, they move so slow, it makes everyone so angry and they just sit around and do nothing while everyone else works their asses off. It honestly just makes me want to quit my job, like I love working there and everyone else that I work with is awesome but it just feels like I’m being taken advantage of. I feel like I’m always the one who’s stepping up and doing stuff that other people won’t. And I feel like my boss knows that, like today when the busers just left like she didn’t walk up and ask me to bus, I just started doing that cause I was trying to help but when no one came back to do the job they were supposed to do, I just kept going and finished the whole dining room by myself. And of course my boss didn’t say thank you or anything, I’m like this close 👌🏼 to losing it and just putting my 2 weeks in.
These past couple weeks have been whirlwind from start to finish, and I have taken several L’s. For spring break I went with my mom to Illinois to visit my grandparents and go to the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Davenport, Iowa with my aunt and uncle’s family. On the second day we were there we went to my great grandma’s house. We were all sitting around eating and my cousin was there, she just had her baby. She sat down next to me and preceded to start to talk to me about college. She thought University of Arkansas did instate tuition for Missouri residents but they don’t they just take a certain amount of money off your tuition based on your GPA and ACT if you qualify for it. Because we were talking about the price of going there my mom decided to butt in and literally put me on blast in front of my great grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, my cousin, my little brother, and my cousin’s little baby (who admittedly didn’t know what was happening but still, it was hella rude). She started practically yelling at the dinner table about how expensive it was gonna be and how she doesn’t understand why I can’t just go to community college for 2 years. Keep in mind this was after she had said to me like 2 weeks ago that she was so happy that I decided to go to Arkansas cause I would be close to my aunt and uncle and she just wants me to get to go where I wanna go, so I was just like why are you switching up on me in front of my whole family right now? So instead of fighting, I took the L and got up from the table and walked in the living room and sat down. I heard her continue to yell about how it is gonna be “$60,000 a year,” which its not,it’s gonna be nowhere near that, she just has no idea cause she doesn’t take time to talk to me about anything cause instead she would like to pretend that it’s not gonna happen. I just love how it’s my fault cause I want to go to the school I like and get a college education but it’s not her or my dad’s fault for not putting away money to send me to college. When I was sitting on the couch, my uncle walked in, who’s really excited for me to go to Arkansas so I can get a college education and be with him and my aunt, and told me that I’m mainly gonna be paying for it once I get out anyways so I should just go where I wanna go and not listen to my mom. It felt good to have someone actually supporting me and not tearing down my dreams for once.
Before I write this I would just like to preface this by saying I love my friends more than anything in the whole entire world, they are some of the best people in the world and I have such a great time with them. Here’s the “but”: I really just don’t think they understand the stress they put on me sometimes and the amount of stress I’m under with this time of the year being crunch time in many of my AP classes. For example, I have my psych midterm tomorrow and an APUSH test tomorrow. They asked me yesterday if I wanted to get together once I got back from Marquette after festival and I said no. As i was leaving the school today I got a call from them and they were telling me not to leave cause they stayed after to wait for me even after I had clearly told them not to wait for me. I just told them that they had to find another way to get home cause I needed to get home and start getting to work. Another thing is my friend who I drive home from practice, she lives all the way over near the Target in Ballwin and I live in Chesterfield near Wild Horse Elementary, so as some of you know, that’s quite a drive. Every time I drop her off, her parents are always home, so I’m just wondering why I have to go 20 minutes out of my way to drive her home when her parents could easily pick her up, it would be different if it was every once in a while, but its every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and sometimes Friday’s. That’s a lot of gas money and a lot of time. I don’t think they realized how much work I have to do and how every minute I have after school and practice is precious. They are taking very easy classes and don’t have half the workload I do, so they can go home and do nothing and relax but I do not have that luxury. It’s just really frustrating cause they are obviously not appreciative of the things I do for them, and that hurts a lot. I figure I should maybe talk to this about them instead of just ranting on my blog and I plan to, but I just needed to release some anger first.